


Five Am

by simonsharpie



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Season/Series 03, Slow Burn, dex/ray - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-12-25 11:07:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18260030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonsharpie/pseuds/simonsharpie
Summary: Upon his return from the Army, Benjamin Poindexter gets a job working at the Brooklyn Suicide Hotline where he meets Julie soon developing an interest in his colleague convincing himself he's found his chosen North Star just like Dr. Mercer discussed in one of their sessions. But soon, everything falls apart and he loses the job feeling like he's drowning in deep water with no sign of surfacing, only finding relief in holding on to his North Star. Until one day, he meets an FBI Agent by the name of Ray Nadeem, who takes a sudden interest in Dex.





	1. Chapter 1

Prologue

"You'll get a job, that will provide you with a rigid structure and order" Dr. Mercer's words echoed in my mind as sandy battlefields and taking out enemies with a single shot became my life I was a soldier doing his patriotic duty or just simply serving his country. It was at best the latest fiction I'd fastened myself into, one that society could tolerate and accept all of which seemed too easy for me to mold myself into, the military provided order and none the less helped me hold on to my sanity. It kept those very thoughts at bay, that cause me to go off the path Dr. Mercer helped me get on, while I laid on a rooftop, or wherever my commanding officer sent me as I waited for the green light "Take the shot" He'd say to me as my fingers wrapped around the trigger eliminating whoever was the target that day.

“It’s done” I’d whisper back stepping off whatever I’d been perched upon that day as the hot sun beat down on me as I’d made my way back to our headquarters, the loud sounds of guns shooting, and explosions off to the distance on the ground killing whoever was around them. A typical day in a war zone one would say, soldiers wondering out and some never coming back fighting for their country keeping that one enemy at bay for another day. Truth is, there was always another enemy no matter where you went in this desert there was always something or someone out to kill you and holding a rifle or not didn’t make you any safer.

 

I’m a sniper, that was who I was down here not Benjamin Poindexter but a soldier squeezing the trigger at the order of their commanding officer, nothing more or less. Once I made my way into the headquarters, I was praised for my actions by my fellow soldiers because I’d saved the lives of many and down here that was worth a lot to people. “Congrats Dex” they’d say to me as I walked swallowing their words as they spoke to me before gaining some reprieve as I laid onto my cot.

 

The sun came up the next morning, and back to my job I went having the same routine helped keep my sanity intact giving me the order and rigid structure I so badly needed to continue to be this man, this soldier that society could tolerate a mold I’d say I had perfected. Until one day, I’ll never forget that day the commanding officer was standing there with a few of the army’s upper brass, he said; “Dex, I didn’t come to this decision lightly, but we think it’s time for you to go home”. 

 

His words hitting me like the shot that hit the enemy when I squeezed the trigger, I nodded as I moved to collect my stuff and headed towards an awaiting plane. It was time for me to start over, find the next fiction and mold myself into that this one may have ended but there would be another, and society once again would tolerate whatever that was.


	2. I just realized, I still Need you

I eventually found that next fiction in a newspaper AD placed in the Kitchen’s most well-known paper the Bulletin, the Brooklyn Suicide Hotline was looking for a few operators to take calls from people like you and me who were thinking of taking their own lives. It sounded simple enough, and I knew hard it was for veterans coming off their tours overseas to find employment all while some dealt with PTSD, others came back fine but one could argue that no matter where we were stationed, we all came back with something. 

 

That something sometimes took the form of constant nightmares, dreaming of being back in the battlefield surrounded by the enemy or simply out for a walk and a siren sets us off. Truth is, we never signed up for that all we wanted to do was serve our country by enlisting in the Army, no guide or anything could possibly prepare you for what happens after. 

 

So, I decided to take the job, the training was straightforward a call would come in and we’d pick up a clipboard with a checklist to go through with the caller all in hopes that once we hung up the phone, we helped someone that night. Help someone get the help that they needed or point them in the direction of someone who could help them a little better than we could, but we were their first call, and that itself was important to us. 

 

Then there was this woman, her name is Julie when Dr. Mercer told me to find a north star, she was it. Kind, gentle, and caring to just about everyone I wished I could be like her, in fact, I probably wanted to be like her but there was no way I wasn’t any of those things. A fiction I couldn’t mold myself into, but rather watch her from afar every shift I’d glance up at her as she made her way past the many cubicles, giving them words of praise as they took calls. Her red hair, flowing down her shoulders meeting the fabric of her white blouse, lips painted in that terrible shade of red lipstick that she liked as a smile spread across them as she approached my cubicle “Keep up the good work Dex” She’d say doing the only thing I could, I shot her a smile. 

 

 

Smiling back, she continued down the hallway, sighing I picked up my clipboard taking the next call it was probably going to be my last one as my shift was soon over and I was eager to get out of here. It was a long night, not that I ever minded working nightshifts because I knew I’d see Julie once again as long as I had my north star to guide me, my head would stay above water one more day. 

 

 

 

The call ended, as the phone line went silent placing my headset down sighing as this call hadn’t gone the way I thought it would and despite anything I said the caller would still be stuck in their situation, and their light would go out, if not tonight then another night. The next time, he came into his room ready to raise a hand on him again and there would be nothing he could do unless he’d listened to me and did what I said. Then things might have been different, knowing I went off the checklist giving them advice I probably shouldn’t leaving me no room to lie as the hotline kept records of every call, that would only lead me to one path, prison.

 

 

 

Grabbing my coat, I pushed the thought out of my head pushing the door open as the cold fall air hit my face making my way down the sidewalk, I regretted deciding to walk with every step I took the wind picking up behind me making me pick up my pace. Anything that would get me inside my apartment faster, was welcome as I headed past a church where a blind man sat outside his red glasses caught my eye before passing him, dedicated faithful however he lost his sight, his world was black and his faith seemed to be the light in that world. I was almost glad he couldn’t see me, the fiction that I’d molded myself into fading away as I headed down the street, there was no one left to pretend for at least not today. 

 

 

Moving my gaze around the empty streets, eyes soon falling on another man standing by some black SUV some fancy suit waiting for his mistress to come out so they could sneak out enjoying their time spend behind their very partner's backs. I don’t know how they did it, turning their backs for a night on the one person they’d pledged to love but rich people did whatever they want, and had the money to buy anyone’s silence after. I paused, looking over at the man who was still waiting for whoever was coming out of that apartment, and I wasn’t willing to wait around and find out. 

 

 

 

“Are you lost?” The man shouted 

 

 

 

His voice filled my ears unwilling to make whatever small talk he was alluding too I wanted to get home and didn’t have time for chatting with this man who was clearly waiting for someone if not a mistress, then someone else. Whoever it was, I’d made the decision to ignore his words unwilling to reply to them as I continued down the street finding my way around a corner as the man once again filled my vision. 

 

 

 

“I’m not lost” I replied as if that was what the man wanted to hear, anything to get him away from me even if it meant answering his question after all   
But he didn’t move, instead he just stood there still almost as if he wanted something else from me, other than just the answer to his question I wasn’t lost, and now I couldn’t figure out why he was still there instead of going on his way, after all, I’d given him what he wanted.

 

 

“You all alone tonight?” He asks 

 

 

 

Sighing I turned my gaze once again to his as my lips parted to speak almost as if I’d obliged once again to his small talk “I am, it’s been a long day and I have another shift tomorrow” I reply 

 

 

 

“These streets aren’t safe at night, why don’t you come with me I’ll bring you home,” He says

 

 

 

“Are you a cop or something because I haven’t committed a crime” I reply 

 

 

 

“FBI actually, you’re not under arrest you know but you can at least tell me you’re considering my offer?” He says

 

 

“FBI, well I’m glad because I don’t think working at a suicide hotline is a crime. What if I am, but I think I’ll be ok the dangerous people must be sleeping tonight” I replied

 

 

 

“That’s a tough job, I couldn’t imagine. Either way, I’d feel better knowing you arrived home alive tonight” He says

 

 

 

 

“You couldn’t, no,” I reply sighing following him to his SUV in the way I’d agreed to his offer to drive me home I’d hate for an FBI agent to lose sleep over some guy who he found walking alone on the dangerous streets of Hell’s Kitchen. To him, I was nobody just some guy he’d decided to help, and if helping me made him feel better I decided who was I not to oblige.

 

 

“What’s your name, if I’m taking you home it’s the least you can tell me,” He says

 

 

 

“Dex, just Dex nothing else” I replied 

 

 

 

A small grin formed across his lips as I spoke almost as if he was satisfied with my answer and was going to let me sit here in the silence that I’d much preferred as he drove along the highway but that sweet silence didn’t last long his lips soon parted again to ask me more questions, that I’d be given no choice but to answer. “Just Dex huh? My Name is Ray just Ray” He replied, “Are you from around here Dex?” 

 

 

 

“I am, I mean I live in New York” I reply 

 

 

 

 

“I do too” He replied 

 

 

 

 

The car fell silent again as I turned my eyes towards the window the rows of high-rise buildings filling my view as he drove along the highway my eyes grew heavy struggling to keep myself from drifting off. I had no idea what this man was doing at this hour of the night standing waiting on the street begging the question in my mind if he had any family, or he was just one of those men who worked too much.

 

 

 

Fictions, whatever it was he molded himself into to anything to make society look at him like he belonged, a family man, workaholic either society might have tolerated it but his partner didn’t, I noticed the gold band when he shut the door for me. Whoever he or she was, she’d probably rather him home and not here driving a complete stranger home because he was afraid, I’d run into any of those dangerous people. 

 

 

 

But what if I was one of those dangerous people, one could argue killing your baseball coach over a simple game could constitute being labeled a monster, but instead I was a misunderstood kid who let their anger get the best of him, shipping me off to a therapist so I could get “help”. And then she left, just like my parents and everyone else in my life leaving me with tapes, and this north star that I was supposed to find to guide me. This man would be no different, I’d let him in, and he too wouldn’t like what he saw and leave too. 

 

 

 

Sighing I exited his car, thanking him for the ride I made my way across the parking lot before his words again filled my ears “Will I see you again?” He asks causing me to pause mid-step turning back towards him my mind hinting at the answer to his question as no, he wouldn’t but those weren’t the words wanting to escape my lips as they parted to speak.

 

 

 

 

“Maybe” I replied

 

 

 

“That’s good enough for me, here take my card,” He said

 

 

 

Taking the small piece of paper from his hand, I continued on my way reading the small print “Special Agent Ray Nadeem” it read along with an address and a few ways to get in contact with him pushing thoughts of simply tossing it out of my mind, perhaps that maybe would turn into a yes and I’d be walking home tomorrow same place he’d be standing in front of that black SUV waiting once again to offer me a ride.

 

 

 

Sleep was all that was on my mind as I unlocked my apartment door it had been the same way I’d left it neat and orderly without a picture out of place the emptiness gave me a comfort away from prying eyes forcing me to divulge feelings. The medication kept me in this dull state, enough to keep whatever tendencies I had at bay allowing me to keep my job at the hotline without fear I’d do something or say something I’d regret to a caller such as I’d done earlier with my off script replies playing to their specific need, why not take out the person causing the pain. 

 

 

 

 

Sighing I pulled off my shirt, lying down on the soft surface of my mattress feeling it against my skin drifting off to sleep as it was now 2 am and my mind was running wild with thoughts of this man I’d met, “Ray”. Why would a cop, let alone an FBI agent be interested in me if I wasn’t some criminal, or mob boss off their most wanted list, I was only a man who simply wants to keep his head above water, trying not to drown every single day. I did everything Dr. Mercer said, and this Ray he wasn’t part of my plan, turning over onto my side as I’d hoped my mind would quiet. 

 

 

 

Sunlight once again filled my bedroom as it peered in from the small window last night had been one of the few nights, I’d slept through the many voices stopped leaving me in peace perhaps the thoughts of the man silenced them. Whatever the explanation was, I’d been happy for some sleep with my shift starting again in a few hours where I’d see Julie once again making her way down the line of cubicles that red-coated smile, she’d wear directed at me. And I’d be dreaming of being something like her, except a dream is all it was because I knew it wasn’t possible for me, fictions are all I could mold myself into something society will tolerate, nothing more. Today I was Dex, and my fiction a voice to the end of a suicide hotline that guided helped those contemplating ending it all, giving them a chance to get help or walk them through these feelings. The day after, I didn’t know what I’d be, probably the same fiction as the day before, Dex who worked at the suicide hotline 

 

 

 

 

A grin creeped across my face, as I rose from the bed heading towards the bathroom opening the shower door the water rushed against my skin as I stood my mind racing to more thoughts of that man standing on the sidewalk, almost as if he’d been waiting for me last night hoping I’d be walking home. I knew I wouldn’t see him again, I couldn’t nothing good would come out of me getting attached to him not after Julie after what I did, only ending with her being frightened of me almost as if I was a monster. Society doesn’t tolerate monsters, and that’s what Ray would see me as too, a monster living in this very city. 

 

 

 

 

Grabbing my towel, I stepped out of the shower silencing the water my mind now empties of thoughts of him but still wanting to see him once again hoping that I’d be walking the streets and he’d be there just he was last night. The wanting to see him felt like it was taking over me, as it did when I’d walk into work at the hotline hoping Julie would be there and that she’d flash me a smile before moving to see someone else.

 

 

 

I threw a shirt over my head peering over at the clock, there were a few more hours before my shift perhaps I’d take a walk get my mind off these mere thoughts of him Dr. Mercer never spoke about these kinds of feelings just how to keep mine at bay. Terrified of what else I could do, I’d been sent to her in hopes that she could help me my baseball coach wasn’t my fault then if it wasn’t, then what was it? The only explanation was that it was me, out of control once again.

 

 

 

My gaze turned to my now buzzing cell phone, it was him confused over how he’d gotten my number something I kept to myself not that I’d ever had the opportunity to give it to someone besides whatever I was to them was merely a fiction, something I’d molded myself into for that day. But yet I longed to hear his voice over the phone, making that horrible small talk staying silent until I gave him an answer, or just merely inquire about me.

 

 

 

As far as I was concerned, I’d been alone my whole life, my parents never gave a damn about me just angered of my existence it was safe to say that this feeling was new, and something I’d decided to rather enjoy. Dr. Mercer was the only person who truly ever cared about me, she’s why I’m here today and able to keep these tendencies at bay sticking to the guidance she’s given me. 

 

 

 

Pressing the green button to accept the call, I put the phone to my ear as his words filled my ears “Hi Dex, you’re probably wondering how I got your number you told me you worked at a hotline so I went there, and they gave me a card. It was a long shot that you’d pick up, but it was worth the try” Ray said 

 

 

 

“Hi Ray” I reply 

 

 

“How are you?” Ray asks 

 

 

 

“I’m fine, my shift is in a few hours and I should probably get ready” I replied

 

 

 

 

“Dex, you have plenty of time why don’t you stay on the line,” Ray says

 

 

 

“Ok, but answer me this Ray, why did you call?” I reply

 

 

“You know why I called; I want to see you Dex can you give me that opportunity?” He says

 

 

“I could” I reply 

 

 

 

“I’m outside, why don’t you come down,” Ray asks 

 

 

 

Sighing as the line went silent, he’d hung up leaving me with the dilemma of heading down those stairs right now and giving him that opportunity to see me again as he’d wanted me to my mind fighting to try to tell me I shouldn’t. All this is going to end with is, him leaving me after to his disappointment me not being what he thought I was I’m not good enough for him, and he for all I know is letting me get attached all for me to be left behind. 

 

 

 

Before I knew It I was halfway down the long flight of stairs from my apartment, as my gaze slowly set on his figure standing outside the apartment’s main entrance slicked black hair and a suit that looked like the one he’d had on last night nothing about him was different from the last time. Yet deep down, my mind satisfied with my decision to head down those stairs and see this man once again forgetting how I knew that this would end.

 

 

 

“You made it Dex, I’m glad” Ray said 

 

 

“I’m here, me too” I replied

 

 

 

 

“But you’re somewhere else, thinking about how you have to go to work soon or how you can get out of this,” He says 

 

 

“I’m not, I came down here Ray, gave you an opportunity to see me again did I make a mistake?” I reply

 

 

“You didn’t and I’m sorry if what I said angered you Dex,” He says 

 

 

“It’s okay Ray, really” I reply

 

 

“Do you want a ride to work?” Ray asks 

 

 

“Yeah, I mean you don’t have to Ray I don’t want to be an inconvenience” I reply

 

 

 

“It’s no problem, really Dex” He replies 

 

 

 

Without another word, I followed him back to his black SUV as I got into the passenger seat my gaze quickly moving to that of the window hoping he’d simply drive off without the need to make small talk or play this get to know me game, he seemed to be so fond of. I never liked people trying to get to know me, cause once they did they wouldn’t like what they heard and they’d leave just like everyone else did. Who’d want to hear about how my crappy childhood, not mention the other things I’ve done that wouldn’t take much for someone to view me as a monster in their eyes. “It wasn’t your fault Dex, “Dr. Mercer’s voice echoed in my mind as my gaze turned back to him, saying that didn’t make me any less of a monster at least not in society’s eyes.

 

 

 

Ray’s gaze soon met mine, as his lips parted to speak with more small talk asking me questions in an effort to get to know this man that he’d offered a ride to work as if it wasn’t enough that’d I’d accepted instead of storming off and deciding to walk. But yet he felt the need to make this seemingly effortless chatter, it must come with the job constantly interrogating suspects while their lawyers shouted over their every word. “How long have you been working at the hotline?” He asked

 

 

“It’s a long story” I reply 

 

 

“I have the time,” Ray said 

 

 

 

“Fine, I’d just come back from the army after a few tours I decided I was done time to leave that fiction behind, no longer being the soldier doing his patriotic duty but a man in search of that next fiction. Coming in the form of a newspaper AD from the Brooklyn suicide hotline they were looking for people to take calls, I had nothing, so I took the job molding myself into the fiction of a man helping those on the verge of ending their lives. It’s a job Ray, anything to keep my head above water I’ve been at it for almost a year now and it doesn’t pay all the greatest, but I see her, and my sanity stays in check.” I replied

 

 

‘Who’s her Dex? Why do you say fictions?” Ray asked 

 

 

“Julie, she’s a colleague, and what do you think Ray? society would hardly tolerate a man like me I’ve done things Ray so I mold myself into this person whatever it may be so society might just tolerate me. I’m different Ray, society doesn’t like different” I replied 

 

 

“What have you done Dex?” Ray asks 

 

 

“Nothing, you wouldn’t understand” I reply 

 

 

“Try me Dex,” Ray says

 

 

“Just drop it, I don’t want to talk about it” I reply

 

 

Sighing I turned my gaze away from his facing the window following the high-rise buildings that surrounded us as he drove along the highway in an effort to avoid talking about anything to with the things I’ve done. He wouldn’t understand, and even if he did it wouldn’t be the same anymore, he’d see me not as the fiction I’d created but rather the one I was trying to hide from society the one no one would tolerate. 

 

 

My efforts soon foiled, as his gaze turned to me once again whatever he was going to say next part of me wished he wouldn’t that he’d leave me alone and let me be on my way. My shift was soon starting, time for him to speak was running out as his lips once again parted to speak “Dex, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have pushed.” He said pulling up to the building.

 

 

“You really shouldn’t have, but I accept your apology Ray” I replied pushing the door open

 

 

“Have a good day Dex?” Ray said 

 

 

Waving to him once again as my figure disappeared through the door as the air conditioners breeze hit my face walking over to my cubicle, a safe place away from people like Ray who’d just ask more questions “How are you doing Dex?, Are you ok” none of which I’d give the time of day. She hadn’t arrived yet, catching a glimpse of her empty chair a few cubicles back but she’d be here soon, she too had a shift this evening in which she’d walk by and I’d smile once again. 

 

 

Slipping my headset over my head, I felt a familiar tap on my shoulder as my gaze turned to see Julie, her red hair pulled back in a small ponytail, dressed in a flowery top just like I knew she would she shown up. Her hand resting on my shoulder, feeling a tense feeling come over me the uncomfortableness of it all a simple touch of her hand wishing she’d move it anything to take this feeling away. “Hello Dex,” She says

 

 

“Hi Julie” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Do you have some time before your shift, there’s something I need to talk to you about” She says 

 

 

 

“Just a few minutes, but what is it?” I asked 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry Dex, this decision wasn’t easy, but the hotline has had to make some cuts and had to let some people go including you” She replied

 

 

 

“Did you even fight to keep me, Julie?” I said 

 

 

 

“I tried my best Dex, but the decision was already made you’ll find another job I know you will,” Julie says 

 

 

 

“I don’t want to find another job! Do you know how hard it was to even get this one, you see once you come from the army people aren’t exactly scurrying to hire you because their afraid that whatever happened on the battlefield to happen to them, you see cause most of us we have PTSD or something that affects us day to day. You have no idea Julie, my head is above water now but once it feels like I’m drowning again, it’s on you” I replied

 

 

“But you will, you’re not like them Dex I’ve seen it, and someone will you’ll find a new path somewhere else, but it can’t be here Dex, I’m sorry,” Julie says

 

 

“You’re not sorry, only sorry you didn’t try hard enough to keep me here. So, save your apology, and let me know when my last day is”, I replied

 

 

“They're giving you the rest of this month, 3 weeks that’s the best I could convince them to, they wanted to let go you immediately,” She says 

 

 

“So, you did try?” I replied

 

 

 

“Of course, I did Dex, believe it or not, I care about you and I wasn’t going to let them do that to you,” Julie says

 

 

 

 

Lifting her hand from my shoulder, relieving me of the tense feeling it leave my body as I pulled my chair closer to my desk, Julie setting off down the hallway giving another person the same bad news that she gave me. 3 weeks that’s all I had, to find that next fiction and right now I had no clue where I’d find that as of then I wouldn’t be what I am now, or I’d be drowning in deep water with no sight of the shore.

 

 

 

The slow ring of the phone disrupted my thoughts pressing the answer button as a voice came through the other end “Brooklyn Suicide Hotline, Dex speaking” I’d say as they carried on with their story, a kitchen knife was the only thing between them and death tonight. Picking up my clipboard, I began to go through the questions one by one as Julie made her way down the aisle again “Keep up the good work!” her voice echoed between the women’s voice on the phone.

 

 

 

The call soon ended, and now the choice was in her hands I’d offered all the things were supposed to but after we hang up the ball is in their court, and it is their choice if they throw it aside or aim for the net. Sighing I peered around the room hearing the phones go off, awaiting the next call hoping I’d be able to help someone else in the time I had left here but knowing Julie fought for me, meant everything she had a big heart, bigger than mine could ever be.

 

 

“You’ll find another job Dex, a new path but it can’t be here” Her voice echoing in my mind bringing me back to the reality that soon I’d be drowning in deep water nothing to keep me on the straight and narrow, but maybe the guy I’d met that night. He was the only bright light in all of this, but why was he so interested in some guy who covered himself with a fiction of a guy working at a suicide hotline, being the reason, someone didn’t die tonight. Maybe that was enough for him, to start to care for me, this fiction I’d carelessly molded myself into before being told I’d have to find a new one.


	3. Chapter 3

Drowning, standing in the ocean as the waves swallowed what was left of me as the water took me away “You’ll find another job, a new path” her voice once again echoing in my mind those words didn’t give me any solace, instead speeding up the already approaching waves waiting to take me away. I lost everything that kept my head above water my job at the hotline, and possibly Julie too I’d never see her again. Her long red hair tied back in a ponytail or that smile she’d give as she made her rounds past the cubicles “Keep up the good work, Dex” her voice echoed in my mind.

 

 

 

Sighing I pushed the door open, the reminder that I had three weeks left and that was because of Julie she fought for me not letting the hotline simply fire me leaving me to go back to the identify society would refuse to tolerate, as I created another fiction. The thought of calling Ray entered my mind, he seemed to be a good listener one that could offer advice without many questions and frankly I was scared of what I’d do if I had to be alone. 

 

 

 

 

I slipped my phone from my pocket in search of the card he’d given me with his contact information, with my luck he’d be at work and shut me down once again just like everyone seemed to do in my life. “I’m sorry Dex” they’d say as if they were too afraid to admit they were frightened of me or thought I was crazy the line seemed to work, and I’d be on my way without a second thought of them. 

 

 

 

 

With that, I pressed my phone to my ear as the ringing filled my ears hoping Ray would pick up, that’s all I was doing hoping expecting nothing more from the man than a glance at his phone and a decision that maybe he shouldn’t pick up. “Hello?” Ray said my thoughts foiled as his voice filled my ears. 

 

 

“Hello Ray, there’s no other way tell you this but I’m losing my job at the hotline” I replied

 

 

 

“I’m sorry Dex, you’ll find something else” Ray said 

 

 

 

“I won’t find something else; it was the only place I’d see her where I wouldn’t feel like I was stalking her seeing her smile as she made her way towards my desk, they took it away Ray” I replied 

 

 

 

“Dex, you can still see Julie you don’t need to be working at the hotline for that if she’s your friend she won’t just leave your life, how long did they give you? Ray says 

 

 

 

 

“You really think so Ray? They gave me three weeks, and that was only because Julie fought for me... they wanted to fire me on the spot, but she didn’t let them” I reply

 

 

 

 

“I do, she cares about you Dex and wouldn’t have fought for you if she didn’t.” Ray says

 

 

 

 

“I don’t know what to do Ray, I’m losing my job it’s the only thing that kept me together I was floating above the surface but now I’m drowning in deep water Ray.” I replied

 

 

 

 

“Just breathe Dex, try to calm down” He replied

 

 

 

 

“I’m trying, but it’s hard when everything’s falling apart” I said 

 

 

 

 

“Why don’t you come see me, I’m at the FBI building they’ll let you in and we can talk” He replied

 

 

 

 

“I’d like that Ray; I promise I’ll show up” I said

 

 

 

 

“I’ll be waiting for you Dex” He replied

 

 

 

 

Silence once again filled my ears as he hung up the phone the cold air surrounding me as I continued down the street looking for any sign of the building that he’d mentioned he was at not that I was even giving a second thought to obliging to his request the only thing holding me together was seeing his face. Giving me that look, I could only imagine he was wearing it as his voice spoke over the phone “Just breathe Dex” and suddenly it would feel for a second that I wasn’t drowning, I was above water like I was working at the hotline. But then, as fast as it came the feeling disappeared and I was drowning again just like before.

 

 

 

 

My gaze lifted as it set on the tall building endless clear walls filling my view before I moved to push open the door looking around the room for Ray, as people made their way in and out of the many doors none of them him the black haired man was nowhere to be found. Wondering if he in fact, stood me up my eyes shifting across the room once again no sign of Ray, as I grew afraid that someone would ask if I was lost when in fact, I didn’t belong here I just came to see Ray because it seemed every time he’d make an offer something told me to oblige

 

 

 

 

Soon the black haired man appeared filling my view as he made his way across the lobby towards me, white dress shirt hung over his body free of any jacket as a grin crept across his lips in pleasure of my presence, his hand slowly lifting to touch my shoulder as his lips parted to speak “I’m glad you came” He said 

 

 

 

 

 

“I promised I’d show up Ray, and I did, why here?” I asked 

 

 

 

 

 

“I work here Dex, and I thought it would be a safe place for us to talk” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

“So, no hidden agenda, feeling sorry that I lost my job so you could talk me into what? Joining the bureau” I said

 

 

 

“No Dex, I don’t have an agenda I asked you here because I care Dex, I hate what happened to you” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just you’re the first person to give a damn about me in a long time and I got scared” I said

 

 

 

“It’s alright Dex, let’s just talk okay? How are you right now?” He replied

 

 

 

“I worked for a suicide hotline answering calls, helping people in their most desperate time, a fiction that I molded myself into after the army anything for society just to merely tolerate me. To keep my head above water, but now I’m drowning without sight of the surface. And Julie, she’s my north star it sounds silly, but Dr. Mercer she told me to find one to guide me when I get lost and I’m lost Ray Julie can’t help me if I’m not there” I said

 

 

 

A solum expression covered Ray’s face as my words filled his ears imagining that this man standing before him maybe was just that a fiction, that he molded himself into a face that he put on every day so society would tolerate him, instead of turning their heads away. But that fiction was falling apart, drifting away at sea yet he was still standing here as his lips soon parted to speak. 

 

 

 

“Dex, you’re going to find something else you don’t need these “fictions” you keep molding yourself to, as for Julie you’re not losing her she’s your friend she’ll be there for you” He replied

 

 

 

 

 

“You don’t get it Ray, you’re a normal guy a dedicated Federal Agent who has a family, all things society tolerates. There’s no reason for you to pretend, I’m not like you I’ve done things Ray things society wouldn’t tolerate” I replied 

 

 

 

 

 

“You’re right I don’t, but we’ve all done things Dex, things we aren’t proud of, but they don’t define us and who we are.” He replied

 

 

 

“The thing is, I don’t regret it Ray the things I did you may think that but for some people that just isn’t true” I said 

 

 

 

 

“It is true, even for you Dex I’ve only known you for a few hours, but for those few hours I’d like to believe I seen the real you. I want to help you, will you let me?” Ray replied

 

 

“You can’t help me Ray, nor do you want to know the real me I’ll just scare you away, just like everyone else you’ll leave” I said 

 

 

 

“I’m not going anywhere Dex, not like the others I’m here for you” Ray replied

 

 

 

 

“Not giving up are you, even though you know there’s nothing you can do” I said 

 

 

 

 

“I’m not, but where are you going to go Dex, back to your apartment alone, when you just said yourself, you’re drowning” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

“I don’t know, haven’t got that figured out yet” I said 

 

 

 

 

“Come with me Dex, at least give me that” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

I stood as silence fell between us, a fight was going on perhaps even a small battle inside my mind as it raced with many thoughts wanting nothing more than to tell this man that I wasn’t going anywhere with him, and walk out the long glass doors without even a glance at him. To forget his words, as they burned into my mind echoing inside my head as I tried once again to turn to leave but nothing, it was like I was stuck feet glued to the floor the words I wanted failing to escape my lips, instead a mere “Yes” obliging once again to what he wanted as I followed him to the elevator without a second thought.

 

 

The doors opened as we reached our destination his brown eyes starting forward almost if he’d been trying to avoid them falling on me maybe an attempt to make me less uncomfortable, than he’d already made me. I didn’t belong here, but yet I was following him down this hallway past cubicles that reminded me of those at the hotline filled with people, but these people I barely knew foreign to me as they gazed up from their work

 

 

 

 

An office door soon filled my view decorated with nothing but a mere sign that read Special Agent In Charge, Tammy Hattley why he’d led me here baffled me in the first place I didn’t want another job, a voice on the other end of a phone was the only fiction I needed if it meant I could see Julie. But my North star wasn’t here, not to guide me I was alone with this man I barely knew only just for a few hours, but he gave a damn about me and that was more than I could say about anyone else in my life.

 

 

 

 

“Why did you bring me here Ray?” I asked 

 

 

 

 

“I told you, I want to help you but if you won’t talk to her for you, do it for me Dex” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

 

“Okay Ray, I’ll give you that, just this once I’ll do it for you but then I’m gone” I said 

 

 

 

 

“Tammy, this is Dex I met him the other night on my way home I know this isn’t how you normally do things but hear me out” Ray says 

 

 

 

 

“Nice to meet you Dex, and I’ll hear you out, you’ve got 15 minutes” Hattley replied

 

 

 

 

“He worked at the Brooklyn Suicide Hotline, was in the army before that but they let him go, and I was thinking his experience could be an asset here?” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

“I see, what did you do in the Army Dex?” Hattley asked 

 

 

 

 

“I was a soldier, a sniper to be more exact I was the guy everyone went to when they needed to take out an enemy, I just followed orders, perching myself on a rooftop or an SUV whatever they needed that day. And there I wasn’t Dex, I was just a soldier doing his patriotic duty, no one else and I was okay with that. So, I don’t understand why Agent Nadeem brought me here but I’m here anyways because I just couldn’t say no to him, what is it the FBI would want with me anyway?” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“The FBI would want once you’ve graduated Quantico, to join the SWAT team with your experience you’d be a great asset Dex, why don’t you think about it? You may have not wanted to come here, but I’m glad Agent Nadeem brought you here.” Hattley replied 

 

 

 

 

“You mean that?” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Of course, anyone would be foolish not to see the asset you could be for us” Hattley replied 

 

 

 

 

“I guess I’m going to Quantico, no one’s ever had that much faith in me so it means a lot that Agent Nadeem brought me here despite me not wanting any part of it.” I said 

 

 

 

“So that means you’re going to do it Dex?” Ray replied 

 

 

“Yeah it does, it makes sense to me and I’ll move on from the hotline forgetting that fiction for a new one and as for Julie she’ll still be there.” I said 

 

 

“I’m happy for you Dex, and hope you know I’m going to be there for you” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

“Seeing as you’ve made up your mind, I want to ask you a few questions so I can enroll you in their class for this year” Hattley said 

 

 

 

“Okay, I’ll answer the best that I can” I replied 

 

 

 

“First, What’s your name?, I know you said Dex but I’d imagine that isn’t your full name” Hattley said 

 

 

 

“It’s not, it’s Benjamin Poindexter but everyone just calls me Dex” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Tell me a bit more about yourself, it doesn’t have to be too personal” Hattley said 

 

 

 

 

 

“There isn’t really much to tell, but I didn’t have much guidance growing up my parents they died when I was young, everyone told me nothing was going to bring them back. And they were right, the only person I had was Dr.Mercer she gave me the guidance I needed

 

 

 

 

 

“Told me to find that North Star to guide when I’m lost, and then I found Julie at the hotline a kind, caring women, everything I knew I could never be but yet I wanted to be like her. So I watched her every shift, when she’d come my my desk flashing that smile after telling me to keep up the good work. I felt like I belonged there, and with her to guide me I couldn’t get lost.” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Who was this Dr. Mercer to you?” Hattley asked 

 

 

 

 

“ She was my therapist, I got assigned to her after I did something terrible but she helped me through it telling me it wasn’t my fault. It’s almost as if she was that one person who believed in me, even taught me empathy.” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“What did you do that was terrible Dex, if you don’t mind me asking” Hattley said 

 

 

 

 

“I played baseball discovered I had a talent for pitching a baseball, so I became a pitcher. One day I was playing a game, and it was a perfect game I struck out every batter, but my coach he didn’t like it and wanted to change me out for someone else. Said one of the others needed a chance, so I left the game and sitting on the bench I threw the ball hitting him right in the head. Dr. Mercer said it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t mean to do that to my coach. Maybe I didn’t but that doesn’t change what I did he’s still dead because of me” I replied 

 

 

 

 

 

“Dr.Mercer was right to tell you that, you were a young kid and didn’t have any idea what you’d done there was no way that you could have known. We’ve all done things Dex, and this was so long ago it won’t effect you getting in if that’s what your worried about?” Hattley said

 

 

 

 

“I’m not, your right we all have done things Agent Hattley but not like I have people blame it on my circumstances because I didn’t have parents. Yet I’m here, and I’d like to think that the things I’ve done don’t matter, so I find fictions whatever they may be” I replied 

 

 

 

 

 

“I have one more question, do you want to disclose anything else to me Dex?” Hattley asks 

 

 

 

 

 

“It will show up in my file sooner or later, the whole bureau will know. They attempted to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder, doctors put me on medication coupled with the therapy I was getting. Said I’d be fine, if I followed a routine got a stable job, with a rigid structure to keep me in line, it worked but then I found myself fired, from the one thing that kept my head above water” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Do you still take that medication Dex?, and You’ll definitely find that here, I’m sorry that you lost your job at the hotline, but you have another opportunity and think you’ll make the most of it” Hattley said 

 

 

 

 

“I do, after Dr. Mercer passed I don’t have a therapist. Thank you, it was hard really hard” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Thank you for obliging to Agent Nadeem’s request to come here, I look forward to working with you upon graduation, I’m going to keep the place on the SWAT team open for you.” Hattley said 

 

 

 

 

Rising from my chair as my gaze shifted over to Rays a small grin crept across his face as my words filled his ears, happy that I’d decided to oblige when he’d asked me to come here. As if he’d accomplished something in recruiting another agent, that I wouldn’t doubt that the upper brass would look at as a positive addition to his record. And another fiction, I could mold myself into a sniper in the FBI protecting the public, something I had no doubt society would tolerate, no longer the voice on the end of line but rather a dedicated federal agent. 

 

 

 

Wearing my badge proudly as society looked upon me, almost as if while in this fiction they’d tolerate me having no idea what was beneath it, the Benjamin Poindexter I kept hidden from everyone else. One day I might tell Ray, but for even him a fiction would suffice even his boss would never know the real me.


	4. Cause all I see are Yellow Lights

It had been a few days after he’d helped me, pulled me from the deep water I’d started to drown in afraid that I’d continue sinking further. But Ray was there, refusing to accept anything more than a yes from me after all he’d just wanted to help, and with my luck, he’d leave just like everyone else. 

 

 

 

I chose not to go back to the hotline, three weeks just to remind me of the fiction I could no longer mold into, a voice on the other end of the line. That was no longer me, I was back to the version that society would refuse to tolerate. As for Julie, I thanked her for fighting for me but in the end, I decided to resign as to if I’d see her again I guess that was up to me.

 

 

 

 

Peering down at my phone, I’d hoped he’d call to check up on me but silence filled the room instead after all he was a busy man with a job, and possibly a family judging by the gold band he wore firmly on his left hand. It was something, I’d never asked him about figuring it was simply none of my business, even if he did I only thought of him as a friend.  
Nothing more, there wasn’t any way that it could be more because I wouldn’t be capable of being the man that he needed, and in a way, I had come to terms with that. Ray was a friend, and soon to be my colleague two federal agents is all we’d be. And for a minute, I’d like to think that I was ok with that but deep down some part of me wanted more, and for that I was scared. 

 

 

 

 

My ringtone filled my ears soon granting my wish of hearing his voice once again even if just through the speaker of my phone, it was enough even if I couldn’t see him. “Hello’ I said 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Dex, I assume you’re busy packing” Ray replied 

 

 

 

“I didn’t think that it would be so soon, so I hadn’t started it's just I’m not sure I’m ready to do this Ray be alone in a different place, training to dedicate my life to keeping people safe, like you,” I said 

 

 

 

“You’re going to be just fine Dex, and before you know it you’re going to be back here,” Ray replied

 

 

 

 

“You think so Ray, cause I’m having a hard time thinking that is true,” I said 

 

 

 

 

“I do, don’t worry Dex you’re going to be safe the place is crawling with Agents,” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

“I won’t Ray I promise you,” I said 

 

 

 

 

“Dex, one more thing if you don’t want to do this it's not too late to back out but I know you won’t cause you are a lot stronger than you think,” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’ll do it, Ray, not backing out I came this far I’m not letting anyone else down,” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Anyone else? What did you do Dex?” Ray asks 

 

 

 

 

“I left the hotline Ray, even though Julie fought for me I couldn’t keep walking through those doors knowing that one day I wouldn’t be. I have to let go of that fiction, so I left even if it was wrong it was what I had to do.” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“I’m not judging you Dex or telling you that what you did was wrong. I just hope it was the right decision, you said yourself you were drowning, now what is going keep your head above water?” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

“You, this opportunity that I have to find another fiction to mold myself into so society just might tolerate me again, that’s what is going to keep my head above water,” I replied  
“I hope you’re right Dex, and your head does stay above water, but I can’t be there every time you call I have a family, and I can’t just rush away from them every time you need help” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

“What are you saying Ray, are you saying goodbye? Just like that guess I was right, everyone always leaves my life, and you are no different.” I replied 

 

 

 

“That couldn’t be further from the truth Dex, you know that. I just mean I can’t always be there the way you need someone to be for you, I’m not giving up on you just promise me you’ll find someone who can” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

“And who would that be Ray? Dr. Mercer is gone, and as for Julie I’m pretty sure I’ll never see her again. The hotline was our place, and they took it away from me, who am I going to find because from where I’m standing there’s no one.” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“I can’t answer that for you Dex, but you don’t need the hotline to see Julie she is your friend. And friends don’t need a place, they will come wherever you are. But there is someone I do know, a good therapist and if you feel you need someone you go see her.” Ray says 

 

 

 

 

 

“Thank you, Ray, I know I don’t make it easy on you but yet you stick around and as for the therapist I’ll go see her Ray, cause we both know I can’t do this alone. “I replied 

 

 

 

 

 

“Your welcome Dex, and I’ll give you her number, I gotta go now but I want you to know that I’m here for you and just for tonight, hold on things will get better,” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

 

“I will Ray, I promise,” I replied 

 

 

 

 

Silence filled my apartment once again setting down my phone as I peered around the room looking at the familiar surroundings of my living room. The plastic of the tape recorder felt cold against my hand holding it as I slipped the headphones over my ears, soon I’d hear her voice listening to one of our sessions once again, “You’re moral compass isn’t broken Dex, you just need to find a North Star to guide you” Dr. Mercer's voice filled my ears through the headphone speakers.

 

 

 

 

I had a North Star, and that was Julie she was everything that I knew I couldn’t be myself a kind, caring person with a big heart. Every time she’d walk by flashing that familiar smile, I’d feel like I belonged and that for a second I wasn’t lost and there was a way out from how I was feeling. 

 

 

 

 

 

But tonight, I wouldn’t see her and not the night after either, the truth is I didn’t know when I was going to see her again. I was perhaps lost, not broken but lost as the session contained to fill my ears easing any feelings I had. Tonight, I would be strong, just like I’d promised Ray. 

 

 

 

 

Sighing I pulled off my black t-shirt revealing the reflection of my toned body in the mirror peering at myself my skin warmed with sweat, as I set down the tape recorder. The plastic no longer cold against my hand, as It now sat against my couch, continuing to play as I peered at my body through the mirror.

 

 

 

 

Wondering if Ray would think the same, something so private yet would impress someone so much being uncovered from the layers of clothing I kept over it. How his fingers might feel running against my skin after he’d taken my shirt off, thoughts entering my mind that shouldn’t after all the man was a friend, and these thoughts were not for friends.  
My mind continued to wonder, of how his skin might feel against mine once we finally touched soon tangled in my bedsheets. “Come on Dex, these thoughts are just mere dreams, Ray wouldn’t want you not like that,” I thought to myself taking a seat on my couch. 

 

 

 

 

Pushing the thoughts from my mind as I flicked off the tape recorder, deciding that I’d had enough for tonight the rest could wait until tomorrow. It was another day, and also another day I’d have to deal with my growing feelings for Ray.

 

 

 

 

“God Dex, you really have it bad for him, don’t you?” I thought to myself hoping that the feelings would just go away, I hardly knew the man. Soon I’d be heading to Quantico, training to become my next fiction a sniper in the FBI molding into it with each passing day. Not even these feelings were going to hold me back, keep me from becoming what I needed so society could tolerate me this fiction I needed more than anything, it was the only thing keeping my head above water. 

 

 

 

 

My phone lit up once again, this time with a text from Ray with that therapist’s number the one he said could be that someone, the someone he said he couldn’t be because like he said he had a family a wife, and perhaps kids. And there was no way, he could just drop everything and come when I needed, there was nothing I could do except stare at the number he’d sent to me as I tried to get myself to dial it. As much I wanted him too, I knew that he couldn’t and inside that killed me because I didn’t want to talk to some therapist I wanted to talk to him not sit on another therapist’s couch being forced to open up, Ray didn’t force anything and I loved that, wishing that he could just be that person for me, but reality soon hit me again he couldn’t.

 

 

 

Sighing as I gathered the courage to dial the number pressing the phone against my ear ringing filling my ear awaiting whoever was on the other end to pick up, only wishing that other person was Special Agent Ray Nadeem. “Hello,” The voice said 

 

 

 

 

“Hello, I’d like to make an appointment” I replied 

 

 

 

“What’s your name?” The voice asked

 

 

 

“Benjamin Poindexter, but everyone just calls me Dex” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Ok Dex, how about tomorrow, can I see you then?” The voice said 

 

 

 

 

“I can do that, see you tomorrow” I replied 

 

 

 

 

Hanging up as my gaze turned back to the mirror my reflection still very much in view mind wandering to thoughts about what Dr.Mercer would say to me right now, what I would do to have another session with her but she was gone, and as much I’d come to terms with that I’d do anything to get that. She’d probably say, “Good for you Dex, reaching out for help it’s a hard thing to do but you did it”, her soft voice echoing in my ears as I leaned back on the couch. 

 

 

 

 

They all eventually led back to Ray, everything about the man was something I knew I could never be perhaps I could let go of Julie he’d be my new North Star to guide me when I was lost my life was moving on, so why shouldn’t I. It wasn’t like I’d ever see Julie again, the hotline was in the past and now so was she, but yet the thought hurt me of never seeing her smile be flashed my way or her voice telling me to keep up the good work, but seeing Ray made up for that he didn’t know it but I know he’d guide me when I was lost.  
Dreading the thought of sleep now moving out of the mirror’s view my mind was too busy and my neighbors had begun arguing once again, for what seemed like the hundredth tie tonight wondering why they just didn’t get a divorce, or perhaps it was time I found a new place. 

 

 

 

 

Leaving it behind, didn’t seem all that bad now for a few months I’d lay down and I wouldn’t hear yelling, or voices of people I knew running through my mind as sleep escaped me, instead I’d be surrounded by silence and thoughts of him once again.

 

 

 

Running a hand through my sandy blonde hair, I placed the tape recorder into a drawer before wandering over to my bed nothing but darkness surrounding me once again flicking the lights off in my bedroom. And just like that, I was alone, while Ray was at home perhaps with his wife, and his kids after coming from his long day at work but like I said he could never know the real me so, for now, he’d have to settle for the fictions I hid behind. I’d go to Quantico, and train for my next fiction and he’d be here without me  
My head rested against my soft pillow as I fought to silence my mind once again, busy with its many thoughts from the day and the sound of the neighbors who were now having a full-blown fight which would probably end with one of them leaving, saying they’d never be back. Only to hear the sound of the door creaking in the morning, as they returned once again apologizing for what they said the night before, and then do it all again in the evening. Guess both of us were stuck between a rock and a hard place I liked this place and didn’t want to move and deep down those two people fighting still loved each other enough not to let go.

 

 

 

 

Sweat dripped its way down my back, as I awoke sunlight peering through my window hitting my eyes as I looked forward another sleepless night, and another morning I’d awoken in a sweat between my racing mind, and the neighbors a listen to my tape recorder allowed me to get a few hours. Something about my therapist’s voice seemed to calm my mind, not that I minded as sometimes it was the only thing between me and silencing my mind that night so I could sleep. 

 

 

 

 

Slipping out of my bed as my toned body filled my mirror again sandy blonde hair a mess standing as I took myself in once again, mind drifting back to the same thoughts from before of him running his hands along my skin, as I headed towards the bathroom. Water slowly hit my face as I stepped into the shower, matting my hair against my scalp as I ran my fingers through it washing it as the water fell around me wondering how it would feel running my hands through his soft black hair as he stood before me. 

 

 

Soon silencing the water, as I stepped out throwing a grey t-shirt over my body tight enough to show off a bit of my body today I was leaving to become my next fiction and for that, I was grateful as it would give me something to drive the thoughts of Ray from my mind. Wondering over to my closet, I pulled a pair of pants over my hips before emerging into the kitchen his figure soon filling my view begging the question of why he was here so early in the morning.

 

 

 

 

“Ray, what are you doing here?” I asked 

 

 

 

“I was on my way to work, pulling out of my driveway and I realized today was the day you were leaving for Quantico. And I thought of you, I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye Dex, and wishing you well. I hope you were able to get ahold of that therapist, she’s excellent and I know she can help you. I apologize if I startled you but I had to come over cause if I didn’t I know I’d regret it cause it will be awhile before I see you again, but I see you haven’t got much sleep once again. So, can you be honest with me, just one last time before you go?” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

“Thank you, Ray, I’m glad you came over. It’s nothing, just my neighbors they fight every night and it keeps me up cause the yelling is so loud, I’m actually happy to be leaving for a while” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“I bet, are you sure that’s all it is Dex your neighbors?” Ray said 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sure Ray, just the neighbors. I thought you should know I did call the therapist; I’m going to see her today” I replied

 

 

“I’m glad Dex, I hope she can help you. All the best today, and I’ll see you when you come back officially an FBI Agent” Ray says 

 

 

 

“Thank you Ray, now if you excuse me, I got an appointment to get to” I replied as I shutting the door behind me, as he followed his gaze following me from behind “You look good today Dex” He said shutting the door of his black SUV as I set out down the sidewalk. 

 

 

 

 

His words running through my mind as a grin crept across my lips knowing he’d probably taken notice of my body, the way my t-shirt hugged my frame as the words escaped his lips parting them to speak “You look good today Dex” he said, the words hitting me once again putting me into this wave of somewhat happiness. Just mere words, but words that meant a lot to me today as I slowly made my way up the long steps to my therapist’s office. 

 

 

 

 

My gaze meeting hers as she looked up from what she’d been scribbling on her cheap yellow notepad “Hello, you must be Dex” She said 

 

 

 

“I am” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Why don’t you take a seat, tell me a bit about what brings you here?” She said 

 

 

 

 

“I’m drowning, I had a job working for the Brooklyn Suicide Hotline taking calls being that voice on the other end of the line helping someone who was reaching out for help a fiction I’d molded myself into for society to tolerate. But I lost it, they took it all away, even her my North Star that my therapist told me to find when I was lost she was everything I knew I could never be yet every time she looked up at me during a shift, my world was made a bit better that night. Everything that’s kept my head above water, it’s gone so I’m drowning in the deep water and there’s no sight of the shore” I replied 

 

 

 

 

 

“Describe for me this drowning feeling? Who was it they took away?” She asked 

 

 

 

 

“I feel like I’m standing in the ocean and the waves are rushing around me, waiting to swallow me into the ocean and the worst part is there’s no way to shore. No one to come to rescue me I’m probably going to end up swallowed up in the sea to never be found. As for who they took away, her name was Julie she was one of my co-workers she’d help me whenever I was having a bad day or week, she’d be there for me but all that’s gone, and I’m left drowning. “I replied 

 

 

 

 

“You feel like this a lot Dex? How do you deal with this feeling?” She said 

 

 

 

 

“Every time something falls apart, first it was the army, now the hotline all fictions I’ve molded myself into a soldier doing his patriotic duty, a voice to someone on the other end of line all for society to merely tolerate someone like me. I shut down, I just get so lost feeling like society will never tolerate the real version of me, I’ve done things and that is enough for them to turn their heads away from looking at me.” I replied

 

 

 

 

“Fictions, you speak a lot about these hiding beneath them every day so society will tolerate you not having to see the real you because you’ve done things, what have you done Dex?” She said

 

 

 

 

“I was into baseball, discovered I had quite the talent for pitching so I joined a team and one day I was pitching in a game, I’d struck out every batter I’d faced and my coach decided it was time to give someone else a chance. I got mad and sitting on the bench I threw a baseball it hit him in the head, killing him and the worst part about it, I didn’t feel sad when I did it.” I replied

 

 

 

“You weren’t sad for your coach, why is that?” She asked 

 

 

 

 

“He’d made me angry; I didn’t want to be pulled from the game, but he’d decided to do it anyway” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry Dex, did anything happen as a result of this?” She asked

 

 

 

 

“I got assigned to this therapist, her name was Dr. Mercer we had many sessions together then I found out she was sick and didn’t have much time left so on our last session she gave me this box of tapes with our sessions on them. I wanted to take her life that day, because she was leaving me just like everyone else in my life and I didn’t want her taken away from me, leaving me all alone with no one. So, when I’m awake in the middle of the night, the familiar plastic of the tape recorder would fill my hand, as I listened to her voice it was the only thing that would calm me down, make me realize everything was going to be ok.” I replied

 

 

 

“I’m sorry for your loss Dex, I couldn’t imagine how hard that was on you.” She said

 

 

 

“It was hard, really hard” I replied

 

 

 

“There’s something or someone else that is on your mind, this is more than just losing your job?” She said 

 

 

 

“A little bit of both, but I have to go I’m supposed to be leaving to train for my new job” I replied 

 

 

 

“Dex, whatever you say it stays between us nothing is ever going to leave this room. I don’t want you to leave with this bugging you, can you expand on that?” She said 

 

 

 

“I met this guy; his name is Ray and he’s the one who helped me get this job. He wanted to help me, and I am grateful for him.” I replied

 

 

 

 

“I’m glad you were able to share this with me; suppose we can pick this up next time I see you but feel free to call me anytime you feel you want to talk Dex,” She said 

 

 

 

 

“I will, thank you” I replied

 

 

Sighing as I rose from the therapist’s couch making my way over to the office door as she scribbled something down on her notepad thoughts no longer racing through my mind making my way down the steps from the building as a black SUV came to a slow stop in front of me. Backing away, I watched as the window slowly rolled down and there sat Ray, his black hair messy from a hand he’d ran through it his brown eyes lifting to meet mine as his lips parted to speak “Hey Dex, you want a ride?” He asked 

 

 

 

 

“A ride, where Ray? This seems to be becoming a habit, you and me running into each other like this everywhere I go there you are. I’m grateful, for everything you’ve done but don’t you think this is something I should do on my own.” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“To the airport, your going to train to become an FBI agent just like me Dex, and I’ll admit it has become a habit but if I get to see you one last time then it’s all worth it. Maybe it is, but I’m here because you don’t have to do it alone, so what do you say Dex?” He says 

 

 

 

 

“I’d love that, cause I’d like you to be the last person I see the only one who seems to give a damn about me even though you hardly know me. You’ve fought for me, more than anyone else has in my whole life and for that, I’ll be in your debt.” I replied

 

 

 

 

“Get in, and Dex, you don’t owe me anything you allowing me to help you, that’s enough for me.” He said 

 

 

 

Climbing in the passenger seat glancing over at him before quickly turning my gaze over to the window watching the high rise buildings pass me by as he drove along the highway. Thoughts crossing my mind of how his hands might feel around my waist tugging at the hem of my t-shirt instead of around the steering wheel driving the car along the highway. I fought to push them out but with little success, my gaze shifted back to Ray, his black hair combed back into place from it’s earlier mess, his white dress shirt tucked neatly into his pants. 

 

 

 

 

Nothing seemed out of place anymore, except me who now wondered how I’d so easily climbed into his waiting SUV, and just like that, I was putty in Ray’s hands once again. I couldn’t be what he needed me to be, and deep down he knew that as much as he refused to admit. His lips slowly parting to speak as he turned to me, “Something wrong Dex?” He asked 

 

 

 

“No Ray, I’m fine” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“I don’t believe you, I want to Dex that everything is fine like you said but I can’t. So I want to know, what’s really going on Dex?” He said 

 

 

 

“It’s fine Ray, it’s not like you would understand you’re not like me society already tolerates you they don’t look down at you, and there’s no fictions you need to hide behind. I’m heading off to a place, to develop a new fiction, filled with people who you and I both know won’t tolerate me either. But I don’t have a fiction to hide behind, here I’m just Dex or Ben Poindexter, a federal agent in training, there’s only the real version of me nothing to hide behind.” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Mold yourself into that, whatever helps you survive Dex but fictions come and go and one day someone’s going to want to know the real you, not some guy you pretend to be. Just know that Dex, because you never know, that someone could be anywhere even right here.” He said 

 

 

 

 

“No one’s going to want to know me Ray, not the real me. They’ll just leave as everyone else does, say I scare them and they can’t be around me, it’s time to face reality Ray, it’s what happens. You see Julie here? She probably doesn’t want anything to do with me and I’m never going to see her again.” I replied

 

 

 

 

“If that’s reality than I refuse to accept it Dex, you don’t know that about Julie, and you don’t know that everyone is going to leave. I’m not going to leave, so go and mold yourself into whatever fiction you need because when you come back I’ll be right here waiting.” He says 

 

 

 

 

“That means a lot to me, Ray, maybe you’re right about Julie and that she won’t leave but you’re going to be waiting a long time because the me you see here, might not be the Dex that comes back,” I replied

 

 

 

Soon reaching the airport as the SUV pulled to a stop “Goodbye Dex, whatever version of you comes back it isn’t going to stop me from being there for you.” He said watching as I climbed from the passenger seat my greenish brown eyes giving him one last glance as my lips parted to speak “Goodbye Ray” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Your moral compass isn’t broken Dex, you just need a North Star to guide you”.My mind racing as I walked through the crowded airport looking around for any familiar sign of where I was supposed to be, for all I knew my plane could have flown off without me. Begging the question if I was meant to mold into this fiction at all, a federal agent in training soon to be nothing but a sniper in the FBI. Laying on a rooftop, or in the field, I would just be an agent, following my boss’s orders nothing more. 

 

 

 

That is what I wanted, no one had to know my name or story everything about the real me would be stuffed in some file, labeled Benjamin Poindexter. Some upper brass employee of the bureau would read it or they wouldn’t, for what they find inside might not be what they want to see, or fiction of my creation. 

 

 

Sighing as I made my way across the long path to the plane, leaving the city behind as I set off to become this new fiction the next chapter in my life. And I’d like to think perhaps Ray would forget me, move on with this family be a good dad to his kids leaving the man he’d helped behind as it should be. I was simply a stop, someone that he cared about until they too left his life.


	5. Chapter 5

The balmy air reached my face as I strolled along the recently cut grass, several buildings filled my view as my eyes wandered along the vast property. Scanning for any sign that I was where I supposed to be, but I felt misplaced and for every second I was, I yearned that Ray was here to show me the way. 

 

 

“Sir, are you lost?” A woman said 

 

 

“Yeah, I’m kind of new here well I just got here to be exact and I can’t seem to find the main building,” I replied

 

 

“What’s your name? Maybe I can help point you in the right direction,” She replied 

 

 

“Dex, just Dex. You can? but first, can you tell me yours?” I said 

 

 

 

“Dex, that’s a nice name is it short for anything? My name, I’m Julie I live in the building across from here, with a few roommates.” She replies

 

 

 

“Julie, that’s a nice name I had a friend named Julie back home, but I don’t see her anymore. It is short for something I guess you could say, my full name it’s Benjamin Poindexter.” I said

 

 

“Nice to meet you Dex, Benjamin is a nice name too. How about we get you to where you need to be going,” Julie replied 

 

 

“I’d like that, I can’t wander aimlessly forever,” I said 

 

 

 

“Here we are, the main building just go up to the desk and she’ll help you out. I look forward to seeing you around here, I’m sure I will.” Julie replied 

 

 

 

 

“Thank you so much for your help,” I said 

 

 

 

 

The receptionist’s gaze looked up to meet mine as I made my way past the doors slowly approaching her desk as her lips parted to speak, as I fought with everything to stay calm as her words filled my ears. “Hello, Welcome to Quantico, you look new here, can I get your name and then we can figure out where you need to go.” She said 

 

 

 

“Benjamin Poindexter” I replied 

 

 

“Oh yes Dex, Tammy Hattey sent in your application. Follow me Dex, I’ll show you where you will be staying.” She said 

 

 

 

A grin crept across my face as I followed her down a long hallway into another building, I’d began to feel strangely comfortable in my new surroundings, thoughts of Ray not leaving my mind. If he was thinking about me, wondering if I’d hear his voice when he checked on me. But Ray was miles away, and I was here, watching as her lips parted to speak once again. “Here is your room, you’ll be roommates with Julie here. Now for the rules; no leaving your room after 10 pm and breakfast is at 8 am, and dinner is at 5 pm. You will find a schedule of your days in your room on the far desk, do you have questions?” She asked 

 

 

 

 

“Just one, can I keep my medication with me? I suffer from mental illness, but you’ll find that in my file my borderline personality disorder, but you’ve probably read that already” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Of course, Dex, but we don’t read new trainee’s files but thank you for telling me I appreciate your honesty.” She replies 

 

 

 

 

“Everything will be okay Dex, just breathe” Ray's voice echoed through my mind as I put my key into the door hearing as creaked open walls full of band posters filling my view, as I moved to my side of the room an empty bed awaiting me placing my bag down on top of it. I was alone, for the first the time since I was a boy when my parents died being shipped off to that boys home where I knew no one, and there was no one to save me, no one to be that north star to guide me, feeling afraid of what would happen next, and this was something like that except I wasn’t a boy I was all grown up. And my north star, was miles away from me in another city, forgetting about me while I was here, alone.

 

 

 

“What are you doing here?” Julie asks 

 

 

 

 

Her voice startled me as I snapped out of my thoughts my gaze slowly turning to meet hers begging the question if I was in the wrong place, but this is where I was led just like how I led myself to Ray that night. I was simply lost, without anyone to guide me and she’d led me here telling me this my room so maybe I did belong whatever the answer was I supposed I wasn’t going anywhere but staying here as my lips parted to speak. “I-I got assigned to this room” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you I just saw you minutes ago and now we’re roommates,” Julie said 

 

 

 

 

“I can leave, I’m sure they can put me somewhere else,” I replied

 

 

 

“No, stay Dex it’s okay we’re roommates like you said,” Julie said

 

 

 

“Thank you, I’m grateful you want me to,” I replied

 

 

 

 

“What brings you here Dex?” Julie asked 

 

 

 

“I lost my job, working for a suicide hotline in Brooklyn. For a while, I was a voice to someone on the other end of the line, but a friend he helped me find a new opportunity and he got me here and I can’t let him down.” I replied

 

 

 

 

“Sounds like you have a good friend, I’m sorry about your job Dex,” Julie said 

 

 

 

“I do he means a lot to me, thank you,” I replied

 

Sighing, I soon retreated to my side of the room as she stood her gaze fixed on me, almost as if she had taken an interest in this new roommate of hers. A man she hardly knew, and that if she knew she’d want nothing to do with me, just like the others instead I’d mold myself into yet another fiction perhaps a roommate someone she could tolerate. And we’d go on, me living a fiction telling her stuff that I’d made up or perhaps a bit of the real me, but I’d never let her in, I couldn’t. For she would probably be afraid, of what I hid underneath. 

 

 

Leaning back onto the bed as I peered around the small room, hoping that somehow Ray was thinking about me, perhaps he’d even call asking if I made it all right. But my phone stayed silent, maybe he had forgotten about me he was someone’s husband, and a father why would he think of someone he barely knew. Her voice once again filled my ears, disrupting my thoughts once again

 

 

 

“Who’s this friend of yours if you don’t mind me asking?” Julie says 

 

 

 

“His name is Ray; he lives in New York” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Ray huh, well he sounds like a pretty good guy there’s not many who would go out of their way to help someone like that” Julie said 

 

 

 

 

“He is, and without him, I’d be back drowning in deep water without any stability in my life, between him and my therapist” I replied 

 

 

 

“I’m grateful you are here and sounds like you should keep him around. You mentioned drowning, what do you mean by that?” Julie says 

 

 

 

 

“No one’s ever said that to me before so that means a lot to me not even my own parents, I guess that is what you get when you have a crappy childhood. It’s a feeling I get, whenever something falls apart nothing you could understand. I’ve already overshared” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry Dex, and try me, my childhood wasn’t exactly the best either my dad left us when I was young, he left my mom to raise me by herself. But it was for the best, he was an alcoholic he’d go on these drinking binges, and worse of all he would beat my mom. And there was nothing I could do but watch in fear because I knew if I said anything I would be next, and as much as I wanted to I didn’t want to be next” Julie said 

 

 

 

 

“That must have been hard, really hard” I replied 

 

 

 

 

“Thanks, it was but somehow I made it out, guess we both did,” Julie said 

 

 

 

 

“Yes, we did, Is it past dinner time?” I asked 

 

 

 

“Kind of, do you want to go get some dinner? I know another place not far, what do you say?” Julie replied 

 

 

 

“I’d love that,” I said 

 

 

 

 

“Then it’s settled, let’s go get something to eat,” Julie said

 

 

 

 

 

I followed her to the door as she clicked it shut behind her heading down the long hallway hoping that I wouldn’t lose her not being able to find my way back. My mind raced with thoughts of Ray, once again still holding out for that call, hoping he just might be thinking about me tonight. Just so I could hear his voice once again, even though it hadn’t been that long I was grateful for any opportunity. 

 

 

 

A grin crept across her face as the warm air hit our faces exiting the residence building, her long blonde hair pulled into a messy bun as we walked along the sidewalk. Her tiny frame filled my view, tight black leggings and a sweater with a logo from some university draped over it. Reminding me of Ray, the way his white dress shirt draped over his body, and how he walked just like her.

 

 

 

 

Soon we reached a small restaurant the open sign flashing in the window as she pulled the door open “You ever have a burger before?” She asked peering up at the many different kinds on the menu plastered against the top wall. “This place is the best” She added. 

 

 

 

“No, I’ve only ever had Pizza, my friend back home she loves broccoli and sausage on hers I know it sounds weird but it’s actually not bad. I don’t know much about burgers, unfortunately,” I replied

 

 

 

“That’s not weird at all, I see then today is going to be your first huh. I love ham and pineapple on mine but that doesn’t sound bad at all.” Julie says 

 

 

 

“Yes, it will be, and that sounds not bad either” I replied 

 

 

 

“I’m going to order for us, Is that ok?” Julie asked 

 

 

“Yes, I’d love that” I replied 

 

 

 

“We’ll have a bacon cheeseburger, and a vanilla milkshake,” Julie said 

 

 

 

“Coming right up” The cashier replied 

 

 

The familiar buzzing of my phone filled my ears as I pulled it from my pocket, his number lighting up the screen just like I thought he would. Happy he hadn’t forgotten about me, maybe I didn’t know the man at all and he wasn’t going to forget me the man he’d decided to help to pull me out of the deep water I’d been drowning in. 

 

 

 

“Hi Ray,” I said pressing it to my ear 

 

 

 

 

“Hey Dex, how is it going, did you make it alright?” He replied 

 

 

 

 

“It’s going good, I met this girl turns out she is going to be my roommate, you’ll never guess her name it’s Julie. We are out together right now, getting some dinner Ray, so I guess you can say that things are going pretty good.” I said 

 

 

 

“I’m glad Dex, that you met someone and that you won’t be alone there she sounds great, and I hope that you two have a good time tonight. You deserve some good in your life, after everything that’s happened losing your job, but you have a new opportunity now.” He replied

 

 

 

“I am too, no one’s ever cared to get to know me let alone try to be my friend maybe I was wrong about her and that maybe she would tolerate the real me. Don’t think this means that I’ll forget about you Ray, because I want you to know that I won’t, you helped me when I was my lowest. And I’m grateful, she’s just a roommate nothing more, perhaps even a friend.” I said 

 

 

 

“I know Dex, but I don’t want you to worry about me if something more happens promise me that you won’t fight it because you are worried about, I’d react, cause I would be nothing but happy for you. I have to go Dex, my dinner is ready and I’ve spent too many nights at work so Seema is grateful for tonight, have a good time with Julie.” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

“I won’t Ray, but we both know I wouldn’t be capable of that. I couldn’t be the man that she’d want me to be, hidden beneath fictions so society would tolerate me not after the things that I’ve done Ray. If I was lucky, she wouldn’t leave me, just like everyone else.” I said 

 

 

 

 

“Have a goodnight Dex” Ray replied 

 

 

 

 

I paused placing my phone back into my pocket as she turned to me holding our meals in a brown paper bag as her gaze lifted to meet mine, lips parting to speak “Who was that Dex?” She asked 

 

 

 

“It was Ray, my friend he was calling to check up on me, after all, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him, I told him about you, and he was glad I’d made a new friend happy for me actually. But deep down, I think it was bothering him cause after that he was different, maybe I’m just reading too much into it. He’s probably had a long day.” I replied 

 

 

 

“That’s nice of him, and perhaps it was just that Dex, a long day. What do you say we go find somewhere to have our dinner? I think I know a good spot” Julie said 

 

 

 

“How about we go to that spot? I’m sure it will be great” I replied 

 

 

 

Following her out of the restaurant as we made our way down the sidewalk a sandy beach soon filling my view watching as the waves crashed in and out of the shore. Reminding me of the deepwater I felt I was drowning in, the waves waiting to swallow me up my mind raced with thoughts of Ray’s abrupt goodnight perhaps I shouldn’t have told him about Julie. And maybe it wasn’t as happy for me as I thought he was, and that now he’d forget about me knowing I’m doing fine and perhaps he thinks that I don’t need him, but the truth is I’d be lost without my North Star to guide me. And Ray was my North Star, and I need him to guide me.

 

 

 

“Dex, isn’t this beach pretty?” Julie said 

 

 

 

“It definitely is, I’ll admit I’ve never been to the beach” I replied 

 

 

 

“A day of firsts for you then? let’s go sit over there and have our dinner” Julie replied 

 

 

 

Finishing our dinner, as my gaze looked up to meet hers her hands placed firmly on the picnic table watching the ocean before us the waves still crashing in and out of the shore. Orange sky blanketed the background behind the lake, as she turned to me. “How was it? Isn’t it beautiful Dex?” Julie said

 

 

 

“It was really good, thank you for this I really enjoyed having dinner with you. It is for sure; it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a sunset” I replied 

 

 

“I’m glad you enjoyed it; we should do this again sometime. Not for me, I’d escape to them my father he’d come home then I’d slip out the window hoping he wouldn’t hear me and just peer out at the sunset hoping the yelling would stop. Just for a few minutes, I’d forget about what was going on inside and watch as the sun went down but too soon I’d be back in the house, in reality just hoping that he wouldn’t come upstairs, and tonight I could be alone without any fear.” Julie said 

 

 

 

“That sounds hard, really hard. I couldn’t imagine, my parents always seemed disappointed in me like no matter what I did they were never happy, but they never laid a hand on me. I’m sorry that happened to you” I replied 

 

 

 

“Thanks, that means a lot. But hey that’s behind me now, no more wanting to escape and when I’m done here, I can put guys like my father away, in prison where they belong. So, they can live tonight, and nights for the rest of their lives without fear.” Julie said 

 

 

“We should head back, and you’ll make their lives that much safer” I replied 

 

 

Soon reaching the dorm building a grin crept its way across my face watching as she opened our room door her blueish-green eyes meeting mine, she hadn’t stopped talking since we left the beach, I found out so much more about her. Then she did about me, all she knew is the fictions I molded myself into the ones I hid beneath, and tonight I was her roommate a man she’d met when he was lost. She’d tolerate that fiction, nothing else certainly not the real me because as soon they’d find out they’d be gone leaving me alone once again, 

 

 

“I had a really good time tonight; you seem like a good guy Dex. “Julie said inching closer to me 

 

 

“I did too, you think so?” I replied 

 

 

“I do, and I’d like to get to know you, after all, we are going to be roommates for a while,” Julie said 

 

 

 

“I think I’d like to get to know you too, I’ve already learned so much on our way here” I replied 

 

 

 

 

I stood watching as she inched closer and closer to me my mind racing with many thoughts mostly of why she was so close, merely talking to me something that made me rather uncomfortable. Too close for my comfort, wiping a bead of sweat off my forehead I paused hoping somehow, she’d back away realizing whatever she was doing, wasn’t what she wanted. 

 

 

 

My plans were soon spoiled by her lips inching closer to mine connecting with them in a slow kiss, without even a thought I kissed her back, feeling her lips against mine once more. But somehow, I was imagining that it was Ray, but it would never be Ray, after all, he told me if something more happens don’t fight it Dex, because he knew the truth. 

 

 

“I’m sorry! I don’t know what came over me, one minute we’re heading out for dinner and now I’m kissing this guy I hardly know. Yet I don’t regret a second of it, do you” Julie said 

 

 

 

“I don’t either, but it’s getting late we should get to bed” I replied 

 

 

“Dex, do you really mean that? Or is it just something that you are telling me because you think that’s what I want to hear so you don’t disappoint me, be honest you know that you can be, at least give me that” Julie said 

 

 

 

“I do- I mean I don’t regret anything that just happened between us, and that’s how I really feel” I replied

 

 

“Thank you, Dex just for being honest sometimes with you it’s hard to tell,” Julie said 

 

 

 

“I know, but I try my best…. but this is all so new to me, especially when all my life I’ve been told I scare people and those people always leave. And I’m left alone, incapable of being anything more than the fictions I take on, we’ve all done things Julie but for me, it seems to have become how society sees me.” I replied

 

 

 

“You don’t scare me Dex, not one bit and as for things you’ve done whatever they are they don’t define you,” Julie said 

 

 

 

Sighing as I pulled away retreating myself back to my side of our room before pulling off my grey t-shirt as my toned body soon filled her view gaze creeping along it before I watched as her lips parted to speak, perhaps with a comment or a mere silence before moving further into what she’d done before hoping I’d let her. None of that was me, being tangled in bedsheets naked as someone’s hands ran along my skin, tonight I was her roommate the fiction I’d molded into from before. And that’s what I’d stay until I became my next fiction, the one that society would tolerate when I got back. 

 

 

 

“I couldn’t help but stare, but you have a nice body Dex, do you work out a lot?” Julie finally said

 

 

 

“Thanks, and I do actually work night shifts at the hotline gave me a lot of free time” I replied

 

 

 

“Well it definitely shows; you aren’t going to have too much of a problem around here,” Julie said

 

 

 

“The Special Agent in charge I met with did say my experience would be a good asset to them, guess it helps that I’m in shape, whatever that means” I replied 

 

 

“You have a job waiting for you huh?” Julie said 

 

 

 

“Kind of yeah” I replied 

 

 

“What’s the job in? Unless it's top secret and you can’t tell your roommate. “Julie asked 

 

 

“It’s a position on their SWAT team, what about you, where are you headed?” I replied 

 

 

“That’s great Dex, I don’t know where I’m headed yet but that’s why I’m here perhaps I’ll find a good fit somewhere’ Julie said 

 

 

“Thanks, and I’m sure you will find something you enjoy” I replied 

 

 

Sunlight crept through my window as the buzzing of the alarm filled my ears reaching for the snooze button before feeling myself roll over, trying to forget that this was my first day the day that my new fiction would start to be formed, the old voice on the other end of the line vanishing. Today I was an FBI agent in training, not just a roommate but that was the fiction I’d chosen today and the one that would put an end to the drowning feeling and pull me out of the water. 

 

 

 

“Good morning Dex” Julie chimed climbing out of bed 

 

 

“Morning’” I replied 

 

 

“Where are you headed first today,” Julie asked 

 

 

 

“The shower, I can’t go not like this,” I replied 

 

 

“You’re funny Dex, I actually meant as in classes?” Julie said 

 

 

“Oh, yeah I think I have some firearm training” I replied 

 

 

Sighing I headed into the bathroom, stepping into the shower as Julie’s voice echoed from the bedroom her answer to the question, she’d asked me. I didn’t catch it, but whatever it was my thoughts soon drifted away, forgetting her words as the water rushed down around me thinking of just what I’d do if they found of my ability.   
I’d always known, I’d had a talent for baseball, but it seemed so much more than that the way I threw the ball, striking each player out one by one. Until my coach decided to pull me, telling me someone else needed a chance that I’d played a great game. Not knowing what made me so angry, filled with rage enough to aim the baseball in my hand taking his life away in seconds, but that wasn’t my fault at least that is what Dr. Mercer told me to go on with my life. Molding myself into several fictions, wondering if today someone would see through it or they would just blame my experience in the army, as a soldier doing his patriotic duty. 

 

 

 

“I do too actually, have you ever used a gun before Dex?” Julie asked barging into the bathroom

 

 

“Several times, before the hotline I served in the army, was a sniper mainly taking out enemies on rooftops, anywhere they needed me the boss would give me the order and it was done,” I replied 

 

 

 

Shutting the water off as it silenced around me, carefully reaching for my towel hoping that she’d heard my reply and that what was behind the curtain was left for her imagination not wanting to reveal myself to her once again. Almost as if I was afraid, of what might happen if I did, as I stood before hearing the door shut behind her moving the curtain away before stepping out, reaching for my black t-shirt as I pulled it over my head covering my body before she reemerged.

 

 

“I figured I’d give you some privacy, you are quite shy for a guy with a body like yours that t-shirt isn’t hiding anything Dex,” Julie said 

 

 

I pulled back as her words hit my ears, not quite believing what she’d just said peering in the mirror seeing how the t-shirt’s tight fabric hugged my body exactly like she said it did, I wasn’t hiding anything at least not from her. “Umm, thanks. I was wondering if you wanted to walk to wherever we’re going together” I replied

 

 

“Sure, I’d love that Dex,” Julie said

 

 

Finishing getting dressed, sighing as I followed her to the door heading down a long hallway out of the residence building sunlight hitting my eyes as we moved across the green lawn to a field similar to the ones I’d played baseball on as a kid pushing the memory out of my head as we walked to where there were two men, and a woman standing looking as if they’d been awaiting our arrival and the arrival of a few others, “Welcome to Quantico, what are your names?” The man asked 

 

 

“Julie Nelson and this is Dex” Julie replied 

 

 

“Benjamin Poindexter to be exact, but yeah everyone just calls me Dex,” I said 

 

 

 

“Oh yes, Dex and Julie, have either of you used firearms before?” He asked looking down at his clipboard

 

 

“Several times, I was a soldier in the US Army worked as a sniper” I replied 

 

 

“Thank you for your service Dex, you shouldn’t have a problem with this then,” He said 

 

 

“No experience for me, except for shooting the odd groundhog off my parent’s property. I lived on a farm; they were a problem” Julie replied

 

 

“Nelson? You related to that Lawyer; he works at some ritzy law firm in New York” I asked 

 

 

 

“Foggy? I’m a cousin of his we didn’t see each other that much after he went off to law school” Julie replied

 

 

“Alright, we’re going to work on some target exercises today, the goal is simple you hit the target at the other end of the field, just like you would if you had to in the field sometimes it’s a matter of life and death between us and the suspect, so which one of you wants to go first?” He asked 

 

 

“I will, What’s your name?” I replied

 

 

“Alright Dex, and Agent Lim, I work with a Ray Nadeem, you know him?” He said 

 

 

 

“I do, Agent Nadeem is the reason I’m here he helped me, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him” I replied 

 

 

“He’s a great guy, now just take this gun and step over there,” Agent Lim said 

 

 

 

Stepping over until I was in line with the target, my view flashing back to a rooftop overlooking the sandy battlefield as I peered through the large scope searching for the man that once I seen I’d take out just like they ordered lying there as my mind drifted away to silence, nothing but the feeling of the trigger around my fingers in my thoughts. Before long, he emerged from wherever he’d been hiding “Boom” the sound of the loud bullet leaving the rifle as I retreated back, I was done, as I was here watching as the bullet tore through the target’s thin paper.

 

 

Sighing as I peered over at Agent Lim who hadn’t been surprised I’d hit the target spot with my experience it was probably expected nothing that they haven’t seen a former sniper do, not this ability to use whatever object I could to take out anyone I wanted. No words, but a grin crept across his lips almost as if he was seemingly pleased with the result before his lips parted to speak “Nice job Dex, we don’t get a lot of former snipers here, so it’s rare” Agent Lim said 

 

 

 

“Thanks, I guess I’m the first one in a while” I replied 

 

 

 

“Do you want to try to hit more than one?” He asked 

 

 

 

“Sure, I’ll hand the reigns over to Julie here,” I said 

 

 

 

“It’s rare but sometimes you will be in situations with multiple suspects that shooting at you, or simply trying to harm you. Being able to hit multiple targets is essential to the job, now do the same as you did, but hit those two targets over there” He replied

 

 

Heading back over to the spot in line with the target, my gaze looking through the small lens of the scope at the small paper circle as my finger squeezed the trigger the bullet tearing through the thin paper of the target, a second one soon following ricocheting off the first tearing through the second target’s paper like it was nothing, as my greenish-brown eyes turned to face a shocked Agent Lim. Maybe the cat was out of the bag now, there was more to my ability, and he knew it as his lips parted to speak “Wow Dex! I don’t know how you did that but good job” He said 

 

 

“Thanks” I replied 

 

 

 

“He’s just a showoff, isn’t he?” Julie said 

 

 

“Dex is pretty good at this, but you too will get better Julie good thing you have a friend here who can help you out” Agent Lim replied

 

 

“I might take him up on that” Julie chuckles 

 

 

Setting the gun down on the table peering up as her voice filled my ears her laugh almost the same as his even though I’ve never heard Ray laugh, I imagine that is what it would sound like as the soft sound of it filled my ears. Thoughts of Ray again entering my mind, wondering if he’d call me again wanting to hear how my first day went but nothing but silence filled my ears as she proceeded to try again, I, however, dodged a bullet but wanted so much to hear his voice, just once again

 

 

Her lips parted to speak once again, reminding me that it was time to leave move on to the next thing and become one step closer to becoming that fiction the one society would tolerate because it would never tolerate me nor the things, I’m capable of. And that was a long list, one I’m sure that even the people here would get through or soon learn of as my mask was shed away, revealing the Dex that no one wanted to know, not even me.


End file.
